uncomfortably not alone

I'm starting to understand that nothing anyone feels is ever unique. If you've ever watched a tv drama or absorbed a movie or listened to a song and identified with any of those, then you know that you're not special and that nothing you feel ever identifies you as being the only person who ever feels that way, no matter how alone or lost you feel.

Somehow that is not reassuring in the least.

Something's gotta change // I know i'm lucky in a lot of ways // So why do I want more than what I have // Brace myself to hear the lies // I wonder if they know that I // Don't get the jokes but I just need to laugh - Uncomfortably Slow [Newton Faulker, Hand Built by Robots]

woo i get a week off!

In three months. Yes. I'll take what I can get, ok. So the question is, what do I do? The obvious answer is sleep, but honestly, one week isn't enough to make up for all the late nights anyway, so why bother right?

It'd be nice to center a trip around some big event like snowboarding :: film festival :: music festival :: concert :: what-ever-not. I'm rather bent on seeing Radiohead live. I had a minor panic attack when I realized their last tour date this month is in Chile. If they start shipping stuff to the east, they'd hit New Zealand pretty soon right? So if I wanted to see Radiohead in New Zealand in July, that might be too late right? I hope they chill out in Fiji. At least until the end of May. Yeah. Then I could combine snow and Radiohead. Man...I'm hyperventilating just thinking about.

Well yeah I know about being realistic, but one can dream, na?

It'd be nice to take a break. A real one. If anyone knows whether these exist, I'd be truly obliged if you told me where I could find one.

time for a blog tagline change

Need to change my tagline. I don't think I'm having a quarter-life crisis. I suppose if God willing I live to be almost 90, I'm hitting a third-life crisis. Again. If there ever was a case of not reinventing the wheel, I'm doing a fantastic job of it. The crap part about this is I know this isn't a unique problem I have. I read about it all the time; the problem is rampant in magazines, graphic novel plots, the books I read when I'm procrastinating. Apparently everyone is struggling with some inner demons and forever trying to but secretly not wanting to exorcise them for fear of not knowing what to do with the void that would be left behind.

Ah there you go, I'm waxing nonsense.

It may be possible to bottle PMS and sell it, because I feel like I've downed enough to last me a lifetime. Do you know how a person's movement looks like in front of a strobe light? Jerky and sudden. Unstable with a vague trace of continuity. That's what I feel like now. Jerky and unstable. I find myself apologizing to God a lot lately, for being ungrateful for my lot in life. And I realize it's unfair, because what I've been blessed with is nothing to be ungrateful for. But I'm at a loss as to how to fix this flatness I feel. Or I know how to fix it...except I have not the energy nor the means. Lately it feels like simply going through the motions. Trapped. Like a buzzing mind in a body with other plans.

Is this what happens when you're about to turn 28 and you still don't know how to get what you want? Or better yet, not sure what it is you want, because you realize that what you want, you can't take with you when you're dead? Or even better yet, get what you thought you wanted, only to find out you're not sure if that's what you want?

Is it the human condition to be clueless about our own problems but see the clarity of solution for those of others?

I think I may have found why I'm fascinated by Dr. Manhattan. To see a problem and only be fascinated by the arrangement of the atoms and tachyon fields and a bunch of things I can't pronounce...what freedom. How wonderful to have that.

Well. Maybe for five minutes.

Happy New Year!

If you haven't heard it enough, let's hear it one more time - happy new year! Yes yes it's that time of year again where we dust off the old resolutions that didn't make it past 3rd January of last year and attempt once again to try and achieve the things we dreamt about for the rest of the past year.

Well. I joke, but deep down I kinda like that year-end/early-year period when hope springs anew and it seems okay to give yourself a second chance. That, and the fact that I, personally, get excited about putting together lists. I'll document each item, find a nice font, color code the lot. As for the actual execution...that's another effort all together that I typically have no energy for after creating the list. So yeah for the most part, most of my new-year resolutions take about two years to finish.

Anyway, it appears some masochistic part of me decided that most of this year will be focused on keeping fit. Some things you can wait for me to try and achieve then laugh at me when I decide I prefer sitting in front of my PS3 are:

• Running the 21k in the KL International Marathon (It's being sponsored by Standard Chartered this year apparently. All I can say is *bee-awesome*.)
• Bringing my 5k time down to less than 30 minutes. I'm slow, yes.
• Completing a triathlon (sprint or olympic distance is yet TBD, depending on how delusional I get closer to the actual event)
• Learning how to play rugby properly, since apparently going for the knees is not the best way to play it

I also plan on doing things like planning for the future (possibly involving more baked goodies!) but that again is TBD depending on how I color code my list of new-year resolutions.

Oh yes and of course, I want to be a better person. I have a good feeling about this year.

;)

do me a 180

So I had this conversation with my brother on the way home from the movies earlier tonight. We were bartering our consoles - he said he'd trade his PS2 for my Wii, and I said if he bought an Xbox 360, then we could talk. Then he said he'd get me the Xbox 180, to which I said no such thing exists, you moron, to which he said, ah but my dear sis, that's the original Xbox. This made no sense to me, until I realized that you can't really have an Xbox 360, right? Cuz that would mean that, from 0, you'd have turned around and ended up at the beginning. Which means that mathematically the original Xbox and the Xbox 360 are the same thing. Damn you Microsoft!

To which I had to acknowledge my brother's genius, which apparently runs in the family since I figured that second part out all by myself.

This is what happens when you can only have stupid conversations with your brother.

Let there be light, let there be internet

It's amazing what happens when we get internet installed at home. Instead of sitting in front of the TV chatting with each other, we're sitting in front of our laptops with the TV on chatting with people online. I love technology. Not that I'm complaining.

So Brunei's actually been pretty great so far. I initially thought of it as a new adventure, but it's been more challenging than I would have wanted to admit. The work is tough - everything is new and I'm groping in the dark half the time, but it's a reminder that where I work, this is how we learn. I realized that being in my last project didn't prepare me for this, but there is always a first time for everything - so I try to convince myself this is what I want. (Part of me - most of me, actually - just wants to be lounging on a hammock somewhere with the wind blowing in my face, so that might actually be part of the problem.)

There's time to go home and make dinner here. There's time and space to run. Well, sort of, when I'm not awake until 5 trying to finish an assignment. It only takes 20 minutes to drive to work, and drivers know how to use their turn signals here. A tank of gas is only 20 bucks. Food is plentiful, and the people are friendly.

Part of me still feels empty though, and I first I thought that it was because this is not home. Then I slowly came to realize that it is empty because I haven't given myself any direction. Where am I going, why am I here...stupid cliched questions that I unfortunately need answers to before I can bulldoze my way forward like I always do. I've admittedly felt and occasionally still feel lost here - but again that's just a monster, and monsters can be slain. I realized I *must* form direction, because without it, I have no reason for anything, really. And you know me, I always need a reason for everything.

I need a project, then I can concentrate on things that really matter to me, instead of worrying about the things that no one else cares about. I've got so many to choose from really...but what I really need is a nap. There's a monster out there that creates assignments that last until 5 am. Stupid monster.

The more things change

...the more it doesn't matter.

I'm in Brunei now. I think in any other frame of mind I would love it here - a good role, a nice plan on my own, a relaxed environment - but I've been moping since I've got here, because masochism is my forte. The more time I have on my own, the more I think and analyze the ghosts that I thought I'd safely locked away in the back of my mind.

You'd think with my own time on my hands I'd be able to pick and choose the monsters I can dwell on - but monsters are mean things, and mine like to pick on me. But if there's anything I've learned, they're my monsters, and no one elses, so they're mine to deal with. If anything I've learned about myself being away from people I care about, is that in the end, you're on your own, and those monsters are yours to slay. In the end, it's only you.

I've learned in four weeks how strong I am not, and how much stronger I was in the past, and I wonder what happened. I wonder whether 3 years ago is sufficient time to consider myself to have been stupid enough to be safe. I wonder where my will went, where my confidence in myself and in people went, and I wonder why I do the things I do. Time and time again people have shown me that I care too much, and time and time again I ignore the lessons I have been taught.

There is a feeling that I haven't grown at all as a person in the past three years, and I wonder what became of me.

Obviously, I can only make myself feel better when I pour out my feelings to a blog no one reads. Eyeroll.

The Dilemma of Turtles

I saw some turtles hanging out in an open (private) pond on my run route this evening. I caught a glimpse of what I thought was a turtle shell breaking the surface of the water as I jogged past when suddenly a curious head popped out and made me miss a step and almost break my head. At first I thought I was hallucinating - turtles don't hang out in open ponds in Bukit Damansara on my running route - but I slowed down on my second lap just to be sure, and lo behold, there are turtles hanging out in an open pond in Bukit Damansara on my running route.

I found it rather interesting - this pond appeared to be a private one, i.e. it was part of the house to which the pond was attached to, even if the house was perched on higher ground some 15 feet up. There was no glass enclosure or fence of any type, so I could've sat down on the edge and done some turtle feeding had I wanted to. I could've sat down and taken a turtle if I'd wanted to, but hey, I respect turtles and their space (not to mention their owners).

So I kept running, thinking about the three or so turtles I'd seen (probably napping) in the pond and wondering what was keeping them in the pond in the first place - there are sewers all around with drains abt five feet away from the pond, i.e. freedom! Then I came to the conclusions 1) they're being fed on a daily basis so why ruin a good thing, right, 2) maybe they're weighing their options and trying to make their own decisions, you never know what turtles are thinking, 3) maybe some of them are scared of change, 4) walls are not easy to climb, especially for turtles and 5) their legs are too short.

So I had this amazing epiphany while I was running, and realized it sort of reminded me of the current political situation in Malaysia (in extremely layman terms, mind you, as I've no mind for politics). You've got this pond with turtles minding their own business who get fed on a daily basis and have all the basic things a turtle would need (food, lots of water and an intact shell). Who knows what the owners are doing, right, as long as the pond keeps working and the turtles can still swim?

Then some of the turtles realize even with food and stuff they're still stuck in this same pond and the waters getting kinda murky and hey, maybe the owners aren't cleaning the pond as frequently as they were. Some want to get out and see what the sewers are like - maybe they're cleaner, or they might stink to high heaven, but hey we gotta see what else is out there - while others sorta like being fed on a daily basis and trust the owners will clean the darn pond sooner or later.

So the ones that wanna get out start trying to figure out how to scale the wall with their short legs while the ones that like what they've got wait for the next feeding, sit on a rock to show the pond is dirty and needs cleaning, and take a nap. Some of the turtles of opposing opinions start biting each other, cuz that's what turtles do when they feel mean.

The wall however, as the turtles will find, is kinda tall (for a turtle) and slippery (especially for someone with short legs) so you know, sometimes its one step forward and two steps back, sometimes it's one step forward and you manage to cling on with hope for the sewers. The owners though are still there with their sponges and pails, maybe one of them will get the message and start cleaning up the pond before it's too late for all the turtles.

And thus is the dilemma of the turtles in the pond. I hope they don't forget they're all turtles in there.

Then I hit a hill and proceeded to get whipped by the incline so I lost my train of thought.

I will mention however that I don't think turtles look anything like Malaysians, unless they are Malaysian turtles.

This is why I never took Political Science.

P.S. The turtle pictured, although probably of a similar species, is not related to the Bukit Damansara turtles - God bless 'em - at least not insofar that I know. He was chilling out at Zoo Negara about a year ago when I asked for a picture, and he obliged by posing like a pro.

Haha it's already March

Well it is.

There are way too many things happening and as usual my attention span is too short to actually process much of it. I've been a few steps behind everything lately but it's kind of a nice place to be at.

My brief but astute observations for the past few months:

• It's extremely cold in Chicago in January.
• Snow is pretty from faraway but stings when you're up close. On a snowboard. And moving. Towards the ground.
• Valentines Day is better spent at home with good company.
• It's almost the middle of March, dammit.
• Running in the pouring rain is a fantastic experience. There's something about going uphill while the water streams around your ankles with the rain soaking to your skin that is incredibly, inexplicably exhilarating.
• Running in the pouring rain is a fantastic experience. Walking around with wet underwear after the rain has stopped, is not.
• This year appears to be a busy year, and it doesn't seem to have much to do with work. Nice.

Man. There's all this stuff in my head I want to blog. It must be done soonish otherwise my head might explode, but sleep is calling so I shall lay off the exploding for another day. I shall be back hopefully with something more meaningful than "It's almost the middle of March."

hero complex

[I'm blogging from Starbucks. I've been dreaming of this moment for weeks - sitting in a cafe doing non-work work on my computer while drinking coffee, just because I chose to. It's amazing the little things you start to crave when they become nearly impossible under the deluge of everyday responsibilities.]

I was reading this article in some women's magazine about how most guys have this need to be a hero. Not a superhero (although I'm sure plenty would love to have a chance to wear their underwear on the outside) but simply to be given a chance to prove that they do have courage to make a difference, i.e. by stepping in front of a car to save a child, diving into a burning building to save a loved one, etc. etc. at the expense of their own safety (no one said anything about common sense).

I read the article with some interest, thinking that it probably isn't really just a guy complex, is it? Isn't there something in each of us that craves to make a difference and save the world in some way or another? Maybe I grew up watching too much She-Ra and Captain Planet and Ninja Turtles but I do strongly feel that my existence is useless unless I do something to make the world a better place for at least some people (or non-people, as I like turtles very much). Isn't that what we're here for?

I do realize my theorizing is idealistic. I find that for the most part, in our social structures, we are typically self-absorbed creatures whose bubbles of awareness rarely need to go further than an arm's reach. And why not? If our primary objective in life is to survive, then there isn't really any need to turn around and see how the rest of the world is doing. We tend to make choices for the betterment of ourselves, because it's just more practical to want to lead a better life.

I don't think there's particularly anything wrong with this, just that it's severely limiting given how big this world is and how short our lives are. If the typical life span is 80 years, that's 80 years of self-servience. Surely at one point in those 80 years, we wonder what goes on elsewhere and if perhaps we could help someone other than ourselves? Surely at some point working towards that new car and the new house and the new curtains and the pension fund, there is some space to consider everything else?

Before someone points out the obvious, let me say that I do realize we are surrounded by heroes - the kind that sacrifice some part of themselves to make sure those around them live better, however so slightly - for their family, their staff, their country. I do realize that surviving in today's fast-paced, stressful lifestyle is a battle that most of us are still struggling through. I do realize that sometimes we just don't have the strength or even time to be a hero for any reason at all. It's a battle enough to be a hero for ourselves.

I suppose this spiel is a kind of internal reflection on my life as a healthy, able, relatively well-paid corporate monkey. Sometimes I sit in front of the computer at work and wonder if there was something more meaningful I was meant to be doing, something that fulfilled me as a person and made the world a better place for some others. I suppose then my theory about self-absorption is somewhat self-proven - to be a hero and change the world is partially to satisfy myself, to know that I'm not here just for the heck of it.

Well. I suppose being self-absorbed and helpful is probably better than being just self-absorbed, na? So it's not so bad to want to be a hero, ya? Think about it - if each of us came and went without contributing anything to the history of mankind, wouldn't this world be such a boring, sterile place? We need those capes and illusions of grandeur, otherwise we could never be better people.

So how to be a hero? I'd probably not be the person to ask. I'll probably start this weekend by parading around in my underwear and saving turtles. Baby steps, I say.

Geez if this is what coffee does to me, I should have a double dose tomorrow.

P.S. Gunners stunners, rarararara

Dear Diary

I was feeling particularly murderous tonight (up until about ten minutes ago, after I had a cookie), so just now I opened my diary to pour out my heart and soul, except I started reading the previous entry first. I normally do this, just to see what I was up to the last time I bothered writing, and in this case the last entry was in February of this year. And the fantastic thing was, it was exactly what was going through my head tonight. Exactly, to the point where I felt no need to write anything, I would've just rewritten the last entry. Amazing!

It strikes me funny that nothing has changed since February. Nothing! Amazing! Well, that totally changed my perspective. I've been through this crap before, and I survived it. Or maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way, and I'm still going through the same crap, and I haven't actually survived anything. Tad depressing thought, that.

*Sigh*. I'm tired and I want coffee.

I shall not wear my heart on my sleeve. The sleeve is getting filthy.

Wow is it time to fast again?

Ramadhan is officially here! It's that time of year again…and as usual, I don't think most of us can believe it's here already. For me, Ramadhan has always been more of a spiritual month than anything else - spiritual cleansing, if you will, where Rahayu tries her best to actually behave (hah).

Ramadhan is also about physical cleansing - fasting to cleanse our bodies of all the impurities and crap we dump in it throughout the year - but this is the part I always seem to forget every year. So in an effort to actually make something of this month other than simply fasting and behaving, I'm going to:

• Eat properly. For me it's always been about kuih kuih kuih (and murtabak). And lots of milky, sugary thick drinks. If God wants us to cleanse our insides, He probably wasn’t talking about stuffing junk in after the sun goes down to compensate for what was missed during the day. It's about detoxing! So I'm thinking...more brown rice, more veggies and fresh fruits and lots and lots water. (And the occasional chicken curry puff. Potato curry puffs are nice but they don't count as curry puffs.) The idea is to scrub my insides clean, although this does sort of mean I'll have a clean slate to rebuild up the crap over the course of the next 12 months. All the same, detoxing once a year probably isn't a bad thing.
• Make an effort to keep working out. Scientifically, the human body slows down its metabolism when one fasts because it has less to do i.e. it doesn't have to digest lunch and all that chocolate I eat at 3 pm everyday. Now, to avoid from dropping of sheer sleepiness at 2 pm everyday, the metabolism needs to be kick started, and how do you do this? By getting in some activity. So I figure getting a mile or two in the morning and throwing around some weights might not be a bad idea. Its been advised to cut the intensity of exercise sessions by half so you don't die of exhaustion mid-workout. That sounds smart.
• Stop swearing. For this month, at least. By far I always find this the hardest thing to do during Ramadhan, mainly because most four-letter words are so engrained in my vocabulary, they spout out without a second thought. My rational is that it's not a swear word unless you consider and visualize it as a disgustingly wrong word, which I don't; unfortunately the rest of the population doesn't agree. So yes, behave.

Okay, that's all the goal setting I can handle in one night.

To all my dear friends, let me start off this Ramadhan month with an apology if I've ever stepped on your toes or spoken out of turn, and hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for being, well, me. :)

Ramadhan Mubarak!

P.S. 'Crap' is not a swear word.

August and everything after

Wow I haven't dropped useless information in more than a month! I've been wanting to blog in ages but if there's one thing that I've been particularly this August, it's lazy.

So in terms of interesting, here's what happened:

Kuala Lumpur Rat Race 2007
So we started the month off with some running. The Rat Race is an annual corporate charity run which Accenture's been a part of for several years now; this year we sent in our Country Managing Director in the 1km CEO race, five 4.5km runners (Rashid one of them) and...(drum roll)...a cheerleading team!!! No I didn't run. Yes I was a cheerleader. No I am not having a quarter-life crisis...I think. Some pics here.

Gwen Stefani's Concert
I want to be like her when I grow up - effortlessly cool and confident, graceful yet cheeky. If I had any reason to want to sing, it would because she makes it look like so much fun.

The show itself was incredible. She made a circuit around the stadium and sang "Cool" at the other end of the stadium - putting me within 15 feet of her. She's so hot! I wish I'd spent more time watching her sing then trying to take her picture though :P

Caving & White Water Rafting
So for our division trip, we went caving and whitewater rafting. I've been caving before but never to the extent of crawling on my stomach through rushing water and sliding down rock faces. It felt like a good challenge - the kind that makes you feel stronger and exhilarated at the same time. I felt like Batman.

Then out of the dark we went in the blazing sun to raft through Class 2 rapids. I've always loved the water but have never been 100% comfortable in it, if that makes any sense. There's something about being surrounded by the weight of water that I find comforting, but generally the water is always stronger than me, and that's a bit scary. Rafting reminded me of that - it gave me a head rush, being in all that water at that speed, but there's always a fear of breaking something (like your head) against the rocks. Exhilarating, that.

Oh and there's jumping from trees too, which is always fun whether or not it's into moving water.






MPSJ 10k
Yeah...so my entire month essentially led up to this. This is the first time since college, I think, that I'd ever set a tangible goal and decided to actually prepare and go for it - I actually followed a training program (although not to the 'T' because it's against my nature to be fully compliant) and watched what I ate - a tiny miracle in and of itself. It's nice to know I can be persistent if I wanted to.

And so, ass early on the morning of the 26th (7:30 am), I was on the pavement and running my first ever race. About a half hour before that, I was trying not to puke - I was so nervous, which is actually pretty typical of me before any big personal event. I'd set a target of qualifying for a certificate - which meant that I had to finish 10 kilometers in 75 minutes, which may be a stroll for other runners but something I used to think I could do only if pigs started flying. I'm essentially a slow and steady runner (or jogger, more like), and my last Sunday run had put me at completing 9k in slightly less than 70 minutes - so I had mixed feelings about reaching my target - one bad stitch could slow me down and make me late by 10 seconds, and then I wouldn't qualify and then...what?

Then...then, I decided that, man, 10km is a long ass distance. If I didn't bail out and head to the nearest 7-Eleven for a slurpee on the 6th km and actually finished the damn thing before Monday, that ought to be good enough for me.

That said...the run was incredible. I had had a great run the Sunday before - calm, steady, with good music pumping in my ears - and I was so worried I wouldn't be able to capture that again because my previous runs had frequently been peppered with some knee and ankle pain, and trouble with pacing my run. But race day was cool and slightly overcast - gorgeous running weather, in my opinion - and I had Timberland, Timberlake and Mayer keeping me company. I started to tire in the last 1.5 km, but I was expecting that, and threw in bits of walking to steady myself. I flat out sprinted the last 100 meters - I knew I'd finished, and it felt pretty damn good.

Turns out I finished in less than 75 minutes. Apparently, as soon as I crossed the finish line, a few seconds later the gun went off, so I *just* qualified. I didn't hear the shot though because I was too busy trying to wipe the huge smile that was threatening to take over my face and make my head look like two rows of big teeth. I hadn't felt such personal satisfaction in a long time. It felt so good to finally achieve something!

My Brother's Graduation
Then immediately the next day I went for my brother's graduation. Congratulations and *muahahahahahaha* is all I can say, because that was the easy part. Welcome to the real world, buddy!

And now it's September and we start Ramadhan next week. How insane is it that it felt I started this blog only a few weeks ago? I seriously can't keep up! I need a nap.

Wikipedia is bad for your health

I've developed an unhealthy obsession with Wikipedia. Initially I'd used it to fulfil the need to know answers to important questions such as "Hey what's a pangolin?" (little scaly animal that looks like a salak on legs, or see previous entry) or "Dude, what was the name of the spaceship in Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?" (Heart of Gold) but now it's turned into linking - I'll read the article I'm looking for then see an interesting link and click on it, then see another link and click on it, see another link and click on it, ad infinitum until I see something that spurs me to go do something else (e.g. Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy --> Marvin, the Paranoid Android --> Total Pespective Vortex --> Fairy Cake --> then I just had to go find cupcakes). Never mind that you can't really be sure half the stuff you read is true, but it makes for interesting reading and a fantastic way to waste your time.

Occasionally it makes for creating a great headache too. I was having a conversation with Rashid about Schroedinger's equation (don't ask about what we were talking about, but I assure you it had nothing to do with physics and everything to do with toucans) and eventually jumped onto Wikipedia and went through the following path:

Schroedinger's Cat --> Schroedinger's Cat in Popular Culture --> Physical Paradoxes --> Predestination Paradox --> Newcomb's paradox

The reason I stopped at Newcomb's paradox is because I started getting a headache trying to reason it out. So if you feel the need to self-inflict a migraine, I recommend taking a look at Newcomb's paradox and see if you can pick a side.

I am a firm believer that taking the contents of Hole B will always yield better results, but quite frankly I couldn't begin to explain why.

Yay for long weekends and boo to Mondays

I just came back from a packed weekend - annual company trip, friend's wedding - and now...it's almost Monday.

[I think Sunday evenings are more depressing for me with Monday just around the corner. When it gets dark my mood does the same and all I can think about is how many things I didn't get to do over the weekend and how many shirts I need to iron for the next week of work. Probably shouldn't dwell on the thought, eh?]

It's been a good, tiring weekend. The company trip was in the middle of nowhere and for the most part was a wet, drunken orgy, as these things typically tend to be. I spent most of the first night's part jumping around on the beach to the live music (Dire Dilemmas, check them out!) and had sore calves by the end of the night (or early morning) to show for it. All in all it was good fun but ended too early because...

...I left earlier to attend the wedding of a friend. It was a beautiful occasion and the bride and groom were radiant. It was probably one of the few weddings I'd been to that I'd truly felt happy for the couple. Not to say that I've never been happy for other friends who get married - I am. It's just that I haven't really been to many weddings where I'd personally known (and truly appreciate the friendship of) both bride and groom. There is a difference, really. While the marriage of a friend to someone you don't know is still a joyous occasion regardless, when you know both the bride and groom, it makes you appreciate their union all the more. And for these two friends of mine, whom I've known for only a short while, it was an honor to be at their wedding.

I've missed so many weddings; it makes me sad that time and distance don't allow me to attend everyone of them. It sounds silly but I feel honored every time I receive an invitation to one (particularly if it's a personal invitation), that I'm considered worthy to share in a someone else's joy.

That said (and this may sound ungrateful but I can't change my mind about this) I don't appreciate being dragged to weddings where I don't know neither bride nor groom nor any of the other attendees and be forced to look cheerful and happy (and give money) for people I know nothing about. I think weddings are personal events and should be attended only if you can appreciate what or who the celebration is for. Otherwise it becomes a bore, and weddings are supposed to be about more than eating free food.

Well. It's almost Monday.

It's Monday Monkey Balls Day

It's 10:58 pm right now on a Monday and guess where Rahayu is?? No prizes for the correct answer! However, I have no life, hence I will accept offers for one.

*bristling*

I feel...acerbic. [Yay new word!] Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words may never hurt me....though this sarcastic edge sure stings.

Bite me.

When all else fails...

...blog.

It is @!#%$@ 11:35 pm on a Tuesday and I'm 66 floors up in the Twin Towers working. Well. Waiting for the printer to churn out 6 double-sided copies of a lot of paper. This is the second night in a row I've been at this and I think I'm getting old because now my third eye is killing me. I didn't even know I had a third eye until last night.

I'm trying to update some slides and I can't get past "Hence,". I seriously need a vacation of the sort where my phone is unreachable and I forget where I'm from.

It occurred to me that I may be losing it but that would mean I still had it but I'm pretty sure I lost it awhile ago. I mean, who in their right mind on a Tuesday...I can't even finish this sentence!! Must be the bottom of the barrel I'm stripping with a tiny dessert spoon.

Back to collating.

It's June already...

...and one of these might be true, that...

1. ...time is going by too fast for me to register anything hence I'm a bit hazy as to what happened in the past five months
2. ...too much has been happening and my 10%-barely-there-but-somehow-chugging-along brain hasn't been able to register everything that's been happening in the past five months or
3. ...things have been happening and I've been soaking my feet and waving at them as they pass by, hence not really realizing five months have floated past...

...any of which might be true. In any case, it doesn't really feel like I've done much in the past five months, although if I actually sat down to think about it, I've done plenty to last awhile. It's the sitting down to think about it that's a bit of a problem, mainly because everytime I sit down to think, I get hungry. [This is why I read all the time.]

Anyway, because I had nothing to do today (wow!) I wanted to see if I'd actually done anything I'd wanted to that I'd said I'd do earlier in the year. Because blogs are awesome and they let you archive all your stuff so you can read them later when you're bored and/or lonely and/or narcissistic, I'd found that this year my obsessions are: my PSP, noodles, running, and graphic novels. (I think I like obsessions very much, they're more fun than resolutions and ambitions.) So have I fully established my obsessions?

• my PSP: By far still my favorite toy. The darling PSP's saved me on half a dozen boring-ass trips across the state and not to mentioned showed me a bed time story on numerous occasions when I didn't want to cradle a laptop to watch a Heroes episode. PSP, I <3>
• Noodles: Is still a staple in my diet, at least 3 times every week. I still haven't found a good bakso place, so if you know of one that's within 50km of my address (i.e. not in Jakarta), pray tell.
• Running: Still at it, though it's gotten sporadic. BUT!!! I can run 30 minutes at a stretch now without wanting to fall over within the first 5 minutes. I did it! I never thought I could. That's the best part. Now I'm just waiting to see if I keep at it. Nyeh.
• Graphic Novels: Ah yes, well...I've gotten book 2 of Y: The Last Man and the story is still filled with crazy women. Um. That's about as far as I've gotten. Well, there's still 7 months to go!

One day my obsession will be to save the world, but for now I'll keep the cape in the closet and work on rolling junk up with my PSP and my Katamari. It's okay to be selfish once in awhile, I think.

Rutting and Loving It (or trying to)

I’m still stuck in a rut. You know how we only use 10% of our brains at any given time? Right now I think only 2.5% is being fully utilized and it’s really frustrating. The upside is that I get to think about random stuff and notice things I wouldn’t normally notice. Although this might imply that all this unused brain power is allowing my latent powers to emerge and I’m turning into a Hero, I don’t think Finding Out Your Latent Faults is a superpower that anyone really wants.

So I’ve discovered I do most things too fast (except possibly the things that just feel better when they’re slower). I’m actually conscious of this (I know for a fact I speak too fast all the time) but it’s never really bothered me until now, I think mainly because before it never felt like 24 hours was enough, and now I’ve got more time to spare and it just feels weird.

I realized I eat too fast. I wolf down my food, which is strange because I actually really love eating and you’d think taking the time to savor food would be a good idea, right? I read too fast; I'll skip two or three lines just to see what the next character says in response to another. I’m in a hurry to put these thoughts on paper, afraid they’ll leave and I forget after five minutes. I’m in a hurry wherever I go, and I tend to think about when things will be over instead of enjoying the moment (e.g. my Body Balance classes, the spa treatment I had for my birthday; although I enjoy these things, I was counting how much time I had left instead of just letting it be). I have a habit of rushing into things; I tend to leap before I look.

Sometimes I think corporate and city life has made me like this but in truth I’ve just been in a hurry to get things over with since I was young. I’m not sure why I’m like this and it’s bothering me now because I’m not sure what I’m hurrying to. It’s like there’re these milestones marked off in my lifeline (graduate from high school, attend college, get your degree, find a good job, get a nice boyfriend, get married, have kids, raise a family…and then I haven’t the vaguest clue…? And all the while keeping myself fit and healthy and sane) and it feels like I have to meet all of them as soon as possible before I can kick back and relax.

Slowly though I’m coming to realize that that’s not true. I mean, what for? It’s good to have those milestones to aim for, but, what, I’m gonna be 50 and the kids are out of the house before I can kick back and start enjoying my own life? I mean, whatever, innit? I’m not running for Congress; there’s not fixed timeline I’ve got to meet. This is my life and I should be controlling its speed. And content!

I think maybe the workplans and timelines can stay at the office. Outside, it’s time to slow down and eat more chocolate.

So the birthday resolution is: Chew slower. Stretch longer. Sleep earlier. Smile a bit more.

(Quite frankly though, easier said than done!)

Friday Fandangoes

Did you know that the fandango is "a lively Spanish or Spanish-American dance in triple time that is usually performed by a man and a woman to the accompaniment of guitar and castanets"? I didn't, I've just always liked the way the word rolls of the tongue. Faaarrndaaaangggo.

So yeah anyway, it's effing Friday!!!! It's about @#$%!! time too man. This week's been a bit of a blur; on Tuesday I thought it was still Monday, and yesterday I was pretty convinced it was Tuesday until I realized all my email was coming in marked *Thursday*. Where has my brain been all week? I'm pretty sure it's been sitting on Saturday (tomorrow) just waiting for me to join it. Lovely!

I do realize it's 8:30 pm on Friday and young well-paid corporate jezebels like me ought to be out partying and not blogging, but face it, most of us are geeks anyway. Besides, it is only 8:30 pm, which means the night is still young (although at this point I'm just glad to be out of the office, and I just wanna go home and watch Heroes).

I just finished a run during which I managed to keep running for 25 minutes. It's strange, but I never realized you could glean so much satisfaction from achieving something that caused you so much pain. This week I actually went a bit nuts fitness-wise (at least, by my standards): I did weight training on Monday, did a Body Balance class on Tuesday, played futsal on Wednesday, did some cardio on Thursday and ran some today. Now I do realize that this may have contributed to my blur week but quite frankly it feels damn good to hurt everywhere. Weekly epiphany: Pain is the great equalizer. All work-related challenges look the same when the mere action of leaning back in your office chair causes your entire body to erupt into a fit of Bohemian Rhapsody. Do the fandango, yea!

I am now *hell* bent on having a wonderful weekend. And what does that entail? Loads, I’m simply *psyched* (and yes there is a smidgen of sarcasm in there).

• Car wash! I actually like washing my car…it’s relaxing and I don’t have to think so much, just make sure everything shines. Still, like it or not, that car needs to be washed this weekend or by next week it’ll just be a big ball of dirt on wheels. There are friggin' kitty paw prints on my windshield and my trunk. Apparently the #$%!@ cats go dustboarding on my car when I’m asleep. Which explains all the raucous meowing at 3 am right under my window.
• Highlight of my weekend! One of my friends pointed me to this cool site called Shopaholics United and they're (the Group? Boutique? Owners?) are having a sale on Sunday. I may not be a shopaholic (too broke) but I love cheap funky looking clothes and a sale on that is just too good to pass up. Attack!! (Possibly more details later. Also there’s Goss:ips, Blook and Cat’s Whiskers which sell funky stuff for relatively cheap, if you like that kind of thing. I do hoo hoo).
• Finally, *finally* I’m going to *try* to get make those shirts I keep saying I’m going to make. I have two cheap shirts to screw with, a bottle of fabric medium and a roller. Which sounds like trouble but we’ll see what happens tomorrow. [Love the fact that the internet has everything, and I got my instructions here, if you’re interested.]

All this excitement is making me hungry. My mom made chocolate chip cookies on Monday and they’re soooo good. I’ve been thinking about them all day…of course my priorities are straight! Tsk.